Prison Collections and Retail Therapy

I know I've said it before....but nothing people do surprises me anymore.

That being said~ I DID have a new experience in DNA collections today.

I tested a husband and a wife.

Both in the same county jail facility.

I KNOW!

It gets better......

I test the "husband" first.

He tells me "that baby not be mine....I's in prison when he be born. I's just got out in June and the mama and me just got married. She in here too....you need her?"

(Um.....yeah. The guard will bring her in a minute.)

I tell him that I just work for the lab and test who they ask me to test and for him to have a nice day.

Next....female guard brings in the "wife".

The wife had to be awakened from a nap. She was still yawning, rubbing her eyes and scratching the white doo rag on her head when she came into the room.

Lovely.

The wife asks me which one of her kids I'm there to test her for. I tell her. She asks me if I've tested her husband. I say yes. She says, "It's not his baby...he was in prison when I got pregnant. I was with three different mens....have you tested them yet?"

I tell her I'm not sure...I test a lot of people. She proceeds to tell me their names.....except for Bachelor #3....she says, "I can't remember that dude's name....but I know where he stay."

Out of curiosity I asked the wife how long she and her husband have been married.

"Since July", she tells me...."right after he got out of prison."

So.....the husband got out of prison in July and is already back in jail?

.....and so is his new wife?

No.

I didn't ask what they were in for....I didn't want to know.

I told y'all about them first because that story was the more entertaining of my two different jail facility collections today.

Yeah...I went to TWO different jails today.

The other one was less interesting, but still worth telling y'all about.

Get to the city jail in a small town near Hell.

The good looking young cop assigned to assist me asks me who I'm there to test.

I tell him.

He says, "Are you sure you want to test him? He's loaded on psychotropic drugs."

I ask if the inmate is dangerous.

He says, "No....he's just out of it."

I tell the cop that the inmate can refuse testing if he chooses.

The cop says, "Oh, he'll do it....we might have to prop him up though."

Sheesh!

So I follow the cop to the jail infirmary.

He shows me where I can sit for the testing. To the right of me is a large padded chair with arm and leg restraints.

This is gonna be fun.

The cute cop goes to bring the inmate in....again...they have to wake the inmate up.

(apparently all inmates do is sleep)

By this time there are a total of 4 cops in the room with me.

I'm thinking, "Shit! What kind of drugs is this guy ON?!?!?"

As the inmate is shuffling into the room they tell him to put a shirt on.

Yeah. That would be good.

I don't want to collect DNA from a hopped-up-shirtless-inmate....even if there ARE 4 cops in the room with me.

I mean: EWWWWWWWWW!

Anyway....

The inmate finishes pulling his orange scrub shirt on and plops down on the chair next to the desk where I'm sitting.

Whew!

I was afraid they were gonna put him in the "restraint chair".

I proceed to test the drugged out, barefoot inmate.

He doesn't put up much of an argument...or much of anything else, really.

He was able to sign his own name. He didn't know what month, day or year it was, though.

The cute cop had to tell him.

Funny thing though....the drugged out inmate DID have the presence of mind to ask me if he was gonna have to pay for the test......

As I was driving away from the last collection.....in my cute little car....listening to Stevie Wonder....thanking GOD that I didn't have to work in a jail....I decided that I needed to buy something.

You know...to help erase the images of the "husband and wife"....the doo rag....the barefoot, drugged out inmate....the smells of the jail.

They all smell, you know.

The jails.

And sometimes the inmates.

Anyway.....

This is what I bought:

Cutastic red bag to go with all my black fall/winter clothes

~and~

big hoop cheetah print earrings.

Oh! And I made myself an appointment for a facial.

*sigh*

Y'all just don't know how much better I feel.