I do that same stretch....

But....

My ass hurts.

My quads hurt.

And I've only lost 9 pounds.

What's there to smile about?

Look what I got today!!!

Pink Keds!!!Only $5.99!
(they were 60% off at Burke's)

close up....
(I'm not really that dark...yet...)

Look!

The insoles are polka dotted!

I know....
it doesn't take much to excite me, does it?

Why'd I give that Lortab away?

Remember a while back when I was having all that trouble with my teeth/tooth?

Shooting pains, multiple visits to the dentist.....all that shit?

It was determined that the stress from the tornado was causing me to grind my teeth at night and my trusty old night guard was the answer,

Guess who hadn't worn their night guard since last Wednesday?

Yeah, that dumb ass would be ME!

I was eating freakin' salad at lunch today when pain shot through my jaw like someone had ripped my tooth out.

I came home, took two Alieve, put my night guard in and went to bed.

I slept for 3 hours.

My jaw still hurts.

Ow.....

Weekend update

Well......we made it back.

Sweet Man and the boys went to two Braves games.

The Braves lost both times.

After this weekend, I think the Braves may ban Sweet Man from the stadium.

He's obviously bad luck.

Lots and lots of shopping was done on Saturday.
No pictures of that.
Let's just say that Macy's, Ann Taylor Loft and Pottery Barn are very happy with me and my girls.

Here are some pictures from Friday and Sunday.

Momo watching to make sure Sweet Man gasses up the car correctly.

The minute I saw this at the rest stop I thought of Cadbury.

Sunday at the Arts Festival

Garden art...
Sweet Man pointed this out to me and said I needed it

I said I should have this one instead...
I mean...if you're gonna be Queen, it might as well be "of every little thing"
Right?
Although....it does appear that a very large dog peed on this, doesn't it?
Or maybe some drunk guy?
Ewwwww!!!!

On the recently completed pavillion....
(I don't know who that man is, but he wanted to be in the picture.
He stopped with his little red wagon and posed.)


...as is this misting fountain for the kids.
All of this is right on top of the new Marta station.

If I ever start another blog~this will be the name of it.
There are many days that I feel like a raging burrito.
It's probably either menopause or gas.....

Either way....

Right now I just feel really tired.

Hope all y'all had a great weekend!

Have a good weekend.....

Hope everyone has a safe holiday weekend.

I'll be back Tuesday.

Play nice!

Disappointing news for Pissy

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I won't be going to the resort with Weeza as planned.


Needless to say, I am not pleased....but try as I might...I can't control everything.

le sigh....

I AM still going to Atlanta this weekend....which I'm looking forward to very much. Not sure yet if we'll leave tomorrow or Friday.

Depends on Sweet Man's schedule for next semester.

See? Again....something I can't control.

While we're there, we'll go to an Art Festival...and I know Sweet Man and the boys will go to a Braves game.

I want to go to a Braves game sometime....but not a holiday weekend. Just a little too much humanity for me.

I don't do crowds well.

Especially sweaty, drunken, holiday weekend crowds.

On Marta.

And in a ballpark.

*shudder*

Sorry this post is so all over the place.

I've been really distracted with this whole "living a healthy lifestyle" thing I've got going on.

The Return of Rude Mommy

Evidently I need to work on my "Glare of Death".

Rude Mommy and brood were back at the pool yesterday morning.

I staked my claim to my favorite spot around 10:15...thinking I'd have at least 2 or 3 hours of peace.

Normally no one starts showing up until after church.....around 12:30 or 1:00.

and since I'm a heathen who doesn't attend church~I have a kick-ass tan AND the pool to myself pretty much every Sunday morning.

Apprarently Rude Mommy went to "early church" or skipped yesterday 'cuz bitch showed up at 11:00!

Damn it.

Maybe I did intimidate her just a tad. She and her two kids and three bags of pool toys stayed at the opposite end of the pool from me.

I could still hear Bubba's shrieking though.

How shrill does a shriek have to be before your ears bleed?

Here is a photo of her spawn.
They look so innocent, don't they?

That's her golf cart in the background.
Sans streamers.


************************************************************************************

Later that same day......

while I was waiting for 5:30 to roll around so I could meet Weeza
at the park to walk....I was taking a break on the patio.

This is what happened when I told Buster he could sit with me.
He choose instead to sit on me.

*sigh*

Pancha! Be gone!

Ick! I couldn't look at poor Pancha and her mustache anymore!

So here's a picture of my new bathing suitObviously that's not me wearing it.
...and mine is black with the top black and white
.....um...and I won't be posing like that while I'm wearing it.
Trust me on that.

This will be the view from our room at the resort.
I invited myself along with Weeza to her conference.
This is the same resort I stayed at on the "company dime"
every year for 12 years for the Child Support Conference.
Only we got the suckiest time and ours was in freakin' October!
Since Weeza works in the criminal unit, they get to go at peak season.

View of pool at resort.
This is where y'all will be able to find me
during the daylight hours
of May 29th - June 1st.

Well....here or the beach.

Just so you know.

Poor thing!

She must have been an unwanted pregnancy.

Why else would her mother name her Pancha?!?!?

translation of title: 'The Eyes of Pancha'

Apparently sour cream was a big deal in the 50's

I love the magic wand!

Ding!

Young and pampered?

More like "Old and spoiled".

This "exercising, watching my food intake, tanning, drinking lots of water" regimen that I've been following for the past 3 weeks is hard work, y'all!

I'm not used to having to really do anything unless I just wanted to.....

Gone are the days of getting up around 9 "ish", logging on-line, surfing around the internets in my pajamas while watching 'Regis and Kelly', 'Ellen', 'Extra', 'Inside Edition' and then 'All My Children'.

Or maybe skipping 'All My Children' to go out for lunch with Sweet Man.

*sigh*

Those were the days.....literally "fat and happy".

Now I get up around 7:30 or 8:00....check the internets, go tan, run errands since I'm already out of the house....then come home and clean or do laundry or both. Then I go meet Weeza at the park around 6:30 or 7:00 (she works till 5) and we walk/run/trudge/bitch for 45 minutes. Then I come home shower for the second time, eat some cereal and try to stay awake until 10:00 or 11:00.

And to add insult to injury: my butt hurts.

I think it's in shock from the exercise.

Well....maybe not a girl sleuth....

.....but I've been hired to do some work for a private detective.

Seriously.

I'll be interviewing witnesses in a death investigation.

Two deaths, actually.

I've been given a tiny little voice activated recorder, a list of questions to ask and a list of people to talk to. After the interviews, I'll be transcribing the tapes and reporting back with my findings. So I think that makes it official.

Go on and say it: I never cease to amaze you.

Sunday at the pool....

Dear Rude Mommy:

I knew you were trouble the minute I saw you drive up in your golf cart decorated with streamers.

Its a golf cart. Not a banana seat bike from the 60's.

Then when I saw that your bathing suit top didn't match your botttom?

It was ON!

What on Earth possessed you to bring your husband and your two-whiney ass-attention-seeking- spawn and alllllllllllllllllllllll your pool paraphernalia down to where I was sitting?

Was it the fact that I was alone?

Listening to an i-pod?

Relaxing?

Possibly asleep?

Yet you continued to haul all your shit and plunk down next to me even though there were only 5 other people at the pool.

Lots and lots of other places to plop down.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I was the chosen one!

Then you unload your three duffle bags of pool toys, floats and goggles and put them all in the pool right on the steps so that I'd have to shove them out of the way to get in the pool.

Nice move.

So now you're all set up. Having fun "family time". The kids keep screaming that "Daddy hasn't paid any attention to me"....or Daddy's only playing with Bubba....not me".....or "my butt itches from the chlorine". Charming.

Against my better judgment, I get in the pool to cool off.

Your daughter proceeds to play "dolphin" and splash me like I just went down the log flume at Six Flags Over Georgia.

I shake it off. Get back out.

It's been thirty minutes now.

You suddenly announce LOUDLY that y'all "need to leave because Bubba hasn't had his nap."

WTF?

You didn't know that 45 minutes ago when you left your house?

You schleped all that shit to the pool for 30 minutes?!?!?!?!?

Just long enough to annoy the living shit of me and destroy the peace of the afternoon.....

You, Rude Mommy, are an inconsiderate bitch.

One more thing: you need to wax that pelt on your husband's back.

Poor sucker.

All that back and shoulder hair AND he's married to you.

Signed,

Woman who glared at you for 30 minutes

Tagged for 7

What?
This is a "seven point star tiara".
Don't act like you didn't know.

I was tagged by Simon
(Ebezp in my sidebar links, but that's just too hard to spell)

This meme involves listing 7 "habits", 7 favorite songs and tagging 7 people.

I'll do the first two, but not the last one.

Because if y'all are anything like me, it'll take you freakin' forever to get around to doing it!
(Sorry, Simon!)

Here goes:

Seven Habits

1. The first thing I do when I wake up is pee and check my email. Sometimes at the same time. Thank you, Wireless Gods. (I know. I'm pathetic.)

2. Whatever I wear HAS GOT TO MATCH! I don't care if I'm just going to sleep. My cami and pajama pants HAVE TO MATCH. If I'm just going to put gas in my car.....my sweat pants and t- shirt and flip flops HAVE TO MATCH. I'm sure there's a "Twelve Step Program" out there for people like me. I don't want to know about it. Don't tell me.

3. My little dog, Momo, has to sleep on the right side of me. He likes it that way and so do I.

4. I CANNOT eat for at least 2 hours after I've been awake. Don't worry. I make up for it later in the day.

5. When I'm shopping and find something I want to buy that has a flaw....I ask for a discount. I don't care if it's on sale. I ask anyway.

6. I NEVER leave any type of trash in my car. No. Not even a piece of paper. I even take my trash with me when I leave other people's cars. Ask 'em. They'll tell you.

7. When I wear a dress or skirt I HAVE to wear a slip underneath. I don't care if the dress or skirt is lined. I was brought up to always wear a slip and it just feels wrong not to.....believe me...I've tried.

Seven Favorite Songs

Keep in mind....these are subject to change on a daily basis.

1. "Before He Cheats" Carrie Underwood.
I know it's country. I heard it in the tanning bed the other day and the lyrics are hilarious.
Seriously. Click on the link.

2. 'Love and Happiness' Al Green
I have to dance whenever I hear this song. Even in the car.

3. 'Moon Dance' Van Morrison
Same with this one.

4. 'After the Love is Gone' Earth, Wind and Fire
It's EWF....what more do I need to say?

5. 'Take a Walk on the Wild Side' Lou Reed
Again.....lyrics...people...lyrics....

6. 'Love Shack' B-52s
We rocked out to this at Gabelle's wedding reception.
"Tin roof RUSTED"
Good times.....

7. 'Natural Woman' Aretha Franklin
Three words: "Queen of Soul"

Like I said, I'm not tagging anyone.....

but if I were, I'd tag: Jerrster, Sunshine, Pixie, Orhan, Arcturus, Hotlipz and Shoparound. ;-)


...and if any of y'all really love me, buy me that tiara.

I would SO work it at the next faculty party.

Where are my rosary beads?

Living with someone who has lost over 30 pounds since January has finally had an effect on me.

I've decided that I must do something about the extra poundage I've been carrying around for the past 10 years.

Just having a pretty face isn't enough anymore......BWHAHAHAHA!
(I crack myself up!)

Actually what did it was seeing how it was working for Sweet Man and realizing that if I quit eating junk all the time and got off my ass every once in awhile I could loose weight too.

I've lost 6 pounds so far.....

18 to go.

But I'm so sure it'll be easier now that I've found out about this:

Apparently there's a freakin' Saint I can pray to for help!

Why?

Why didn't anyone tell me?!?!?

I mean....I know I'm a lapsed Catholic and all,
but c'mon!

Help a sista out, Our Lady of Sugar-Free Jell-O!

If I get really desperate....cuz' you know I'll hit a plateau eventually,
I may have to order the entire
Motivational Kit!

Pray for me.....

Who irons?

You just know women felt this way back in the day.

I'm pretty sure none of them actually said "fuck" out loud in the '5o's.

Well....maybe my mom.

She cussed like a sailor.

New Pissy Mobile

This may shock some of you, but I traded in the Beetle.

I KNOW!

I really didn't want to.....I loved that car...it was so ME!

But after you read my story I think you'll understand.

After I finally got my car back from Jack Ingram, it was fine for about a week.

The airbag light had been on for awhile,.....long before the storm, but I thought nothing of it....Little Pissy used to have a Beetle and lights were always on in the instrument cluster and it ran fine, etc.

Anyway, a week after I got it back, another light comes on. This one looks kinda like a "check engine" light, but it had something to do with the electrical system. And I'd start the car and it would die. I'd start it and it would die. Repeat about 5 times. Eventually, if I stepped on the gas while starting it, it would stay started. NOT good.

So we took it to our favorite local mechanic. He had it for two days. He ran diagnostics on it and consulted with the VW dealership in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. It was decided ...based on this consultation....that the Beetle needed an entirely new instrument cluster.

(I asked him if there was any way possible that Jack Ingram could have screwed it up, but he said no, damn it!)

Yeah. They thought the instrument cluster should be replaced.

and it would only cost around $300.00

But what if that wasn't what it was?

What if I got it down there (2 hours away) and it turned out to be something else....something that cost way more than $300.00?

I drove straight from the mechanic to the Honda dealership.

If you're still reading, I won't bore you with the details of negotiations....just rest assured that I had to go all "Jack Ingram" on them when they insulted me by telling me the Beetle was only worth $6000.00.

Uh...nah, dude.

Bluebook on it is $8,505.00.

I'll take it and have it repaired and sell it MYSELF before I let you have it for that.

That was Thursday.

Today they decided to see things my way and I got this:

'07 Honda Civic Coupe EX
40 mpg!!

These aren't the best pictures, I know.
But I wanted y'all to see my new cutie-cute car.
I think it's precious!

If you really want to see some good pictures of it.....click here

This makes the 6th Honda that we've owned....going back to the first one I bought in '92.

and no, I didn't use any of the money from the sale of the house to get the car.....I'll be making the payments on it, just like I did the Beetle.

Anybody need to have DNA testing done?

I have a new car to pay for now, ya know!

I got this as a forward....think I should take the hint?

You know

it's almost summer

when the girls

start showing

their

belly buttons.....

Jeez!
You think she'd have felt a draft or something.

I'm at least 20 pounds overweight,
but I make sure to allow for the extra poundage
where my clothing is concerned.


(This photo is going on my fridge so that I'll never eat again.)

this weekend

We went to Birmingham via Talledega
this weekend for more meetings with wedding vendors.
Sweet Man stayed in Talledega and played golf.

Gabelle, Little Pissy, her fiance, his mother and I met with various vendors
starting at 9:00 Saturday morning until 6:30 that evening.

Then this morning we went and toured a local resort as
a possible wedding night location
and then had a two hour meeting with another wedding planner.

Then drove 2 1/2 hours back to Hell.

We got home at 8:00 this evening.

*sigh*
I am one worn out old broad.

But you know I took pictures...
here they are....


Wildflowers on the side of the road....

These two cuties are Charlie and Yogi
my sister-in-law's new Yorkies.
It looks like Charlie is saying to Yogi,
"Why is this crazy bitch taking so many pictures of us?"

Me and Charlie havin' a moment
(I would have put him in my purse and brought him home,
but my sister-in-law kept a close eye on me.)

Charlie givin' me a kiss....

Of course one of the first things we did was eat
(that's Little Pissy in the background)

We decided on the bridesmaids dresses at this store.

We met with a baker.
She gave us two sample cakes to take with us.
I love her.

This was one of three florists we met with.
We won't be using her.

We went back to the country club to look at the room one more time.
It was set up for a reception.
We decided that we're going to do that same thing with the fabric.
Isn't it cool?

View off deck of Little Pissy's future in-laws
It was like a park....so lovely.

House across the street from future in-laws
those lines are the defroster in the back window of the truck.
Classy, huh?

Even though I'm exhausted, I had a really good time this weekend.
I totally enjoy Little Pissy's future in-laws.
They're clever, funny people and terrific hosts.
They made me feel right at home....
if my home were 5,000 square feet with a park for a backyard.

Little Pissy sent me this.....

it brought a tear to my eye....

Why Pissy is Pissy.....

That post yesterday?

and the Jack Ingram posts?

I used to be that way 5 freakin' days a week when I worked at the District Attorney's Office.

That's how I got the nickname "Pissy".

I stayed pissed off at work constantly!

Imagine dealing with fucktards, assholes, deadbeats, whining welfare mamas who kept having babies....not to mention the lawyers...for TWELVE YEARS!

I got so good at arguing that I would go up to the bench with the baby ADA and whisper to him what point to bring up next.

Or I'd sit at counsel table and write notes to the ADAs telling them what they needed to argue next.

Or we'd just skip the notes and they'd just out-right ask me what they should say next.

I'm not bragging....I'm a professional caliber arguer (is that a word?) and these ADAs were kinda lazy and willing to let me tell them what to say. Less work for them and they knew that I knew what I was talking about.

So yeah.....the arguing....the being pissed off constantly...and being known as a hard-ass-take-no-prisoners-bitch (which I earned honestly)..those are some of the main reasons I quit.

Even with medication......I seem to have a problem with


p.s. I'm testing inmates at two different jails tomorrow.
Should be interesting...... ;-)

Thank god I only do this 3 days a month....

DNA testing is never dull.

Today's testing was as hectic and fraught with confusion and bullshit as ever.

So I'm tired and will only share with y'all what I consider to be the top three moments in collecting today.

They are as follows:

1. The "AF" (child support speak for "alleged father") who only had two bottom teeth.

That's right.

Two.

And he appears to be on the verge of losing those two.

2. The Mexican AF who only had two fingers on his right hand.

The case worker came in while he was there and kind of hung around....which was odd. She just kinda kept looking at him....

After he left, she said she'd had the hardest time locating this AF.....for two years this case worker had been calling all the painting contractors around our area to ask if any of them had "a one armed Mexican painter" working for them.

Yeah. The baby's mama described him to the case worker as "a one-armed Mexican who paints houses for a living."

Ummmmm.....he still has both arms, you stupid whore!

It's fingers that he's missing!

Jeez!

Take notes next time.

3. Ah....this one was probably my favorite.....

This AF just got out of prison.

Hard time at Fountain Correctional Facility.

He, the mother and the child were scheduled to come in last month.

At different times of the day.

The reason for this is because this AF was ESPECIALLY insistent that he, the mother and the child all be tested at the same time. He wanted to be in the room with them. He was INSISTENT!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

This AF wants to hurt somebody....probably the mother. So we schedule them at different times. None of them showed up last month.

Today the mother and child came at 10:45.

The AF showed up an hour later.....and according to the receptionist~was LIVID that the mother and child had already come and gone.

I wasn't letting this crazy, pissed off ex-con come in to the small room where I test....they don't pay me enough to do deal with pissed off ex-cons.

So the case worker, the director of the DHR and I went to the lobby to talk with this guy....to explain that all parties don't have to be tested at the same time....that's not unusual....not a big deal....we can test him alone....etc.

Uh no. This guy wasn't having it and tried to intimidate the case worker...saying she'd" lied to him " and "promised him they'd all be tested to together"...the way he'd "insisted"....the way he "told her he wanted it to be."

Ummmmm....Dude? Maybe you got to tell your prison bitches "how it was gonna be"....but that shit doesn't fly out here in the "real " world.

You don't get to insist shit! You don't get to tell us how "you want it to be". WE tell you or we see you in court.

Which is what I told him in my "Jack Ingram Volkswagon" tone of voice.

So we'll be seeing him in court next month.

Where I will test him surrounded by sheriff's deputies with guns.

Yeah.

Insist on THAT, bitch!