Looks like T.V. has hit a new low.....

I thought the state of the world was bad.....what with global warming, the price of gasoline, Wal-Mart being the only store in this Southern Hell hole I live in, Madonna being 40 freakin' 7 years old and still performing on stage in a leotard (I don't care how good she looks, that shit's just wrong), the whole "TomRat" extravaganza...y'all know what I mean.....

Then I read in the newspaper today that Mick Jagger has filmed scenes for an ABC comedy pilot.

Mick. Jagger. In. A. Sitcom.

How many times can I say "Ay Dios Mio!!!!!"?!?!?!?

This is just wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to begin.

So I won't.

I'm too distressed.

I've gotta go lay down now.

Y'all tell me what you think.

My friends are the best!

I don't know how many of you have checked out the blogs on my sidebar, but one of 'em that's listed belongs to my friend, t_cole. That's Cole's profile picture over on the right.....
Cole is not only lovely to look at with the most beautiful hair, she is also super smart, kind, spirited, funny as hell, loyal, a fantastic mother, a tremendous writer and a true "flower of the South".

I already knew I loved Cole for all of the above reasons and many more and then today I get this in the mail!!!!

PREZZIES!!!!

Aren't they just the cutest things?!?!? Cole knows me so well!
LOVE THEM!!!

I'm not showing y'all what's in the wrapped package...

That's for Tuesday.

And of course it's perfect.

Just like Cole.

Maybe "Dumb Ass " will be her new middle name....

It's all over the gossip sites today that the zombie-formerly-known as "Katie Holmes" will be changing her name. I first read about it here.

According to reports, Katie Holmes will be changing her name to Kate Holmes.

"Kate is a young girl's name....her name is Kate now; she's a child-bearing woman." .....this statement from her fiance, Tom Cruise.

Let's review the history of their short realtionship:

So far she's given up her career, her religion, her relationship with her family, all friends she had pre-Tom, any personal freedom she ever had, and now~her name.

Who would've thought "Joey Potter" could be so easily brainwashed?

How the mighty have fallen.....

I've posted before about how many gossip mags and blogs I read regularly.

I know....I know.....it's a sad waste of time....blah blah blah.....I like 'em. Shut up!

Anyway, I can't help but be fascinated in a "what-the-hell-have-you-DONE-to-yourself" kinda way whenever I see pictures of Britney Spears.

And when I read the stories????

Ay Dios Mio`!!!!!!

Today I say this picuture over at Perez Hilton

All I can say is:

WTF?!?!?!?

Perez calls it "Zitney Spears"

Juvenile?

Easy joke?

Yeah.

But I still laughed....

Tastefully Tacky T-shirt Tuesday: pre Cinco de Mayo Edition

Some of y'all have probably noticed that I haven't posted a new t-shirt in a few weeks.

Just haven't been feelin' it, if you know what I mean.

But I had this t-shirt that Suzie Q got for me last year; and since I think it's funny as hell, I decided to post it.




















BOILED GOAT!!!

GET YOU SOME!!!!


**This is from an actual restaurant here in Alabama...

Road Trip!

Just got back from my overnight road trip to Gulf Shores.

I went with my friend, "G", who drives a car identical to this one.

We drove the entire way there with the top down.

I used to have a convertible, but you couldn't hear yourself think~ much less carry on a conversation~with the top down.

Not this car, buddy!

We yakked the entire 3 and a half hour drive.

Gotta love that German engineering.

I was there for such a short time, that I only have a few photos to share. G doesn't know about my blog, so I had to be all "spy school" about taking pictures.

I missed some really good photo ops because of this~ but what are ya gonna do, right?

There was a GIANT statue of a chicken on the side of the road in one little town we went through.

Man, I hate that I missed that shot......

Anyhoo.....hope y'all like these!

My freshly manicured white feet!

It was a beautiful day......

absolutely gorgeous.....

and then I saw......

HER....

Ay Dios Mio!!!!

I know I'm overweight.

I'm thinking she probably knows she's overweight.

Why?

Why would she go out in public like this?!?!?!?!

I really felt it was my civic duty to issue a fashion citation on the spot~one chubby chick to another~ but I didn't want to embarrass her in front of her children.

I figured they were already embarrassed enough...

Of Pedicures and Peanut M & Ms.....

I decided that today was the day I was finally gonna get that mani-pedi I've so justly earned.

I went to a new nail salon here in hell. It's only been open 3 weeks so I was able to walk right in with no appointment, and attach my ass to one of those pedicure "thrones".

God I love those things.

And no, it does not bother me one tiny bit to have a strange Vietnamese man who speaks little-to-no English be intimate with my feet.

I don't give a shit what language you're bitching at your co-workers in if you're willing to pay special attention to my ashy-haven't-had-a -pedi-since February-feet.

As long as the "technician" speaks the "language of pedicures"~it's all good.

So I'm feeling that "after the mani-pedi glow" you know the one.....all relaxed and mellow....

and what do I do to spoil it?

Right.

I go to Wal-mart.

Apparently, my fellow Wal-Mart shoppers do not understand the concept of "10 items or less".

Good God, people!

They even have it posted "En Espanol"!

And in pictures for those unfortunates who are unable to read!

I was only there because I'm going out of town tomorrow and I wanted to pick up some travel-size toiletries.

And some chocolate.

You know you have to top off a mani-pedi with chocolate.

Or at least I do.

Anyway, I'm in the 10 items or less line for freakin' ever.

It's finally my turn.

There is no chocolate in this aisle!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

No way was I gonna get out of line to get chocolate. No matter how much I wanted it.

I'd suffered enough!

As I was walking dejectedly out of the store with my 10 items....but no chocolate......

I remembered this was in my purse.

My emergency stash of chocolate.

C'mon.

You know you have one too....

*big chocolate-covered sigh of relief*

Now my day was complete!

Thank you, Jesus!

THE FREAKIN' GUESTROOM IS FINIISHED!!!!

I'm really pleased with the way it turned out. Nothing in the room is new~except the floor!

Yea! Sweet Man!

...and yes~ the room really is that small. :)

Just too good not to share....

Gallery of the Absurd has outdone themselves.

This was just toooooooo good not to share with y'all.

O.k.

I promise to stop now.

I've been telling y'all I was blind.....

I went to the library today to see if they had this book available.

They only had it in the large print edition.

So I'm like~what the hell~it's in~who cares if it's the edition for the almost legally blind.

It even has a short foreword from the "National Association for the Visually Handicapped"...which says in part

....."the only national agency solely devoted to those who, although not totallly blind....."








The kicker is: I still have to wear my glasses to be able to read the damn thing!!!!!

Maybe now y'all will believe me.....

Celebrity WTF.....

I'm sure everybody knows that the spawn of TOMKAT has arrived.

And I'm sure y'all know her name is "SURI" .

But do y'all know her full name?????

As reported in Pink is the New Blog, baby Suri's full name is:

"Suri Xenu L. Ronnette Holmes-Cruise"

WTF?!?!?!?

All I can say is~ payback's a bitch.....

And her name is Suri Xenu.

*EDIT*

Hot Lips pointed out to me that the name is a joke.

I didn't want to believe her because, well, she's Hot Lips.

But I went back and checked and I guess she's right.

About the "Xenu L. Ronnette" part anyway.

And I was having so much fun with it.......

Observations after a five mile walk.....

Yes.......Five. Freakin'. Miles.

I'd type exclaimation marks but it would take too much effort to reach over there to hit the shift key.

"C" and I were apparently affected by the extreme heat when we decided it would be a good idea to "go around one more time".

It had to have been 90 degrees out there. With no breeze.

I sweat.

A lot.

Like: my clothes are soaked by the time I finish-sweat.

A hot shower, baby powder with corn starch and Aleve are my new best friends.

and WATER....lots and lots of cold water.

I'm going to slowly make my way to the couch now.....

If I survive, I'll talk to y'all tomorrow.

One more thing....

Does anybody want to come over and rub my feet?

I didn't think so.....

*sigh*

In breaking news....

Seismic activity was reportedly felt today in the Southern Circle of Hell.

This was caused by my fat ass attempting to run around the lake at the park.

An official request has been made by IRIS , that I not attempt this again as it can cause damage to the delicate ecosystem of the lake and surrounding woodlands. Something about some "movement of tectonic plates" or some shit like that....

My response was a concise: "Bite me".

Can't focus Monday.....

I can't seem to focus on just one topic today, so I'm going to unleash all the random crap that is on my mind.....

*I've changed the "outfit" on my avatar, but it refuses to show up correctly on my blog no matter how many times I hit refresh.....

*I've taken my IBS medicine and am sitting here waiting for it to take effect so that I can go to Wal-Mart. Because as much fun as going to Wal-Mart is~ it's even MORE fun when you're running to the bathroom with diarrhea.....

*I'm getting my first paycheck from the lab this week and have already spent half of it.
Why does that not surprise me?

*"Days of Ours Lives" was lame today.....

*I watched the new show "What About Brian?" last night and really liked it.
I know I don't need another show to watch, but I just couldn't help myself.

*I never went to the pool this weekend. I ended up laying on the couch in my favorite summer pajamas all day yesterday watching movies.

*Has anybody seen the movie "Junebug"? I know it won awards and critical acclaim and shit, but it seemed a little slow to me. I will say that Amy Adams kicked ass in her role as "Ashley" and deserved all the kudos she received.

*Because I haven't been to the pool, I'm resorting to the tanning bed to get a little "color" before my Cinco de Mayo party and all the other stuff coming up the first part of May.

Don't laugh. Just because I'm Latina doesn't mean I don't like to get darker. In the famous words of a former friend of mine :

"Tan fat looks better than white fat."

*Below are some pictures of the floor now that it's been sanded. Also just for fun, is a picture of my living room with all the junk in it from the now empty guest room. Quarter-round still has to be added before the stain is put down. Oh, and I get to wash the walls too.

Yea, me!

*I'm going to meet "C" at the park today to walk. I think she's tried of hearing me bitch about how fat I am. I weighed myself today and I'm only 3 pounds away from the heaviest I've ever been..... It should bother me more than it does.

Just one more "fun fact" about getting older....

I have decided that this "getting older" shit just keeps getting better and better.....

Recently learned "fun fact" (from personal experience~of course): as women get older their eyebrows tend to get skimpier.

But as an added bonus, the eyebrow hairs that are still there will get wiry, longer and less manageable.

So every morning I get to "fill-in" the sparse areas and "tame" what's there naturally!!!!

WTF!!!!!

This pissed me off today.....

In my continuing role as a raving lunatic, I began ripping the carpet out of the guestroom today......


This is the nasty-ass shit I've been pulling up all afternoon.

It's slow-going because :
(1) I'm just slow
(2) I'm pissed at myself for even starting this
(3) see #1 and #2







My husband (I'm not calling him Sweet Man today~I think y'all can understand why...) has been at the golf course all day.

He's in for a big treat when he sees the condition of these floors.

This is the worst room yet.....appears to be some water damage on the floor from the window air-conditioner that was here at some point.




Then I get the pleasure of going back all along the edges of the room to remove this shit.

My tools of choice are a flat-head screwdriver and a hammer. I wedge the screwdriver under the strip and hit it with the hammer to dislodge the mess. Then I carefully pry it off the floor~the entire time trying not to stab myself with any of the carpet tacks protruding out of the strip of wood....

Good times.....

Would y'all look at the nails some genius used to put this strip down?!?!?!?!

Well, my "break" is over. Back to knocking the rest of the strips out. Then cleaning up the mess.....shop-vac and moping the room....

I've already decided:

Tomorrow I'm taking my fat ass for a mani-pedi.

Saturday and Sunday I think I'll be taking my fat ass to the pool for some relaxing in the sun.

Enough of this shit!

This made me happy today.....

Spring flower arrangement

Details of my some of my favorites....

I bought these flowers and the vase (on sale of course) when I was in Texas at Thanksgiving.

I took them to my florist yesterday for her to arrange them.

I love how it turned out.

DON'T 'CHA....

WISH YOUR BOYFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME?????Hot lips~
this one is just for you!

Mr. Mandingo goes to Piney Woods....

I took Mr. Mandingo out today for his first outing as a flamingo with a name....an identity~ if you will.... prior to this...he was merely another handsome flamingo from Florida.

He and I have discussed the issue, and even though he is named for a porn star, he's unsure of his sexuality. After all, he doesn't have any "fun bits"....... and he is pink .

So what is a flamingo to do?

Where does he seek companionship?

Luckily for Mr. Mandingo, the annual Piney Woods Art Festival was held here in Hell this weekend. While it has sucked the big one for the past few years, it redeemed itself this year.

Sweet Man and I went yesterday for a while. While there, I came upon a booth bursting with flamingos! I knew then that I would have to bring Mr. Mandingo back to visit with others such as himself.

Below we offer a small photo gallery of images from our day in the Piney Woods of Hell.....

"Give Pink a Chance"

is being added to the
Pissy Code

A photo with Mr. Mandingo's newest friends...

A close up of Mr. Mandingo's favorite new friend...
.....they traded fashion secrets...

The owner of this booth was really cool. Her husband took the pictures. If any of you flamingo lovers are interested in seeing more of her work, go here. I loved her stuff!

Oh..... just so you know.....neither I nor Mr. Mandingo dressed up for the occassion. Neither of us did our hair or wore make-up.

So be kind about our appearance please.

Hot Lips, this means you.

Adventures in DNA Collection: Jail Edition

This really sucks, but probably no one will listen to it anyway since it's a Friday.....

Hope everybody has a good weekend!

L O S T : all about Hurley edition

What to do.....

What to do.....

I feel like I should post about LOST 'cuz I'm such a huge fan.....

But I'm just not feelin' it today.

Although I am beyond thrilled to know why the hell Hurley hasn't lost any weight since they crashed on that damn island!

I mean, c'mon!

Poopin' alone would cause some weight loss...

Then you factor in all that fruit they consume....

I don't know about y'all, but my ass would stay in that jungle poopin'!

Hell, I'd probably have my own private "latrine" and supply of butt-wipin' leaves!

But I love that big 'ol Hurley. He's a giant, sweaty teddy bear, isn't he?

That being said, I refuse to believe that LOST is just his "dream".

Oh Hell NO!

Don't be doing any "Dallas-Bobby-Ewing-dream-sequence" shit on us!

And I don't know about y'all.... but I just knew Libby had been in that loony bin with Hurley....

I do have some good links for y'all.

If you're interested, that is.

Go here for some good stuff!

and here for some more!

Baby Mama Drama: Part One

Oh my God, y'all.......

Baby-mama-drama has got my ass worn OUT!

I've tested 42 men, women and children since yesterday morning.

That's in two counties.....

Oh, and the one inmate.

So make that 43 total.

I ended up having to go to the courthouse in another town to do the collection on the inmate. He'd already been taken there for a hearing and had waived extradition to another state.... which meant when his hearing was over, he'd be leaving our area.

Since they'd been trying to get this guy tested forever ~off I went.

I gotta say, it was a little weird getting a sample from somebody wearing handcuffs and ankle shackles in the hallway of a courthouse with a deputy standing right next to me.....

Ever tried to get somebody's thumbprint when they're wearing handcuffs?

and....

Honestly?

I think he's probably the kid's father. He has the child's name spelled out in tatoos on his fingers..... who else would do that?

For his sake, I hope he is the father.

otherwise....

Man... is he gonna be pissed about that tatoo.

Tastefully Tacky T-shirt Tuesday: Who's Your Daddy? Edition

If I could get away with it

I'd wear it every time I did DNA collections...

it's just that perfect.....

It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp....

As many of y'all know, I nominated my boi, Mr. Fabulous , as sexiest male blogger over at Best of Blogs. Mr. Fab is kicking serious ass over there, but I'm still asking y'all to go vote for him once a day through April 6th. Like he's said, y'all wouldn't want to damage my self-esteem by him not winning, would you?

If you want to see how truly dead sexy he is, click here. MerlinPrincess has somehow managed to capture his incredible likeness. Scroll down to the third post titled, "Don't Even Ask".

Don't let the title of the post stop you. It's worth it, trust me.

I , for one, am hoping that Merlin Princess will offer this vision of sexiness as a limited edition print.

It would do wonders for the decor here at Casa de Pissy.

Well, that's enough pimpin' for today.

This damn Daylight Savings Time is tough on a semi-retired person. Shit woke my ass up at 6:30! I'm going back to bed!

Oh.

I thank you and my candidate thanks you.

Now y'all get your asses over there and vote!



*voting is over in the side bar at Best of Blogger*

Not lookin' good...

Did anyone else think that Terry Hatcher
looked especially haggard tonight?

Ok.
I know she's thin....
but I think: too thin.

Yes, there is such a thing.
and
her hair and skin looked really unhealthy.
Probably from lack of nutrients....

I tried to find a picture from tonight's episode, but couldn't.

This is the crappiest picture of her I could find.

Which surprised me.

Because I've seen lots of bad pictures of her....

Time to Vote...

for the name of my fabulous Flamingo!

(For anyone who has no idea what the hell I'm talking about, you can read about it here)

I know. I know.

Y'all have been quivering in anticipation of what his name will be.

So to stop all that quivering, here are the 10 suggestions submitted. I decided not to choose my top 3 and then let y'all decide 'cuz I like 'em all and couldn't pick just 3 to choose from...... I'm like that sometimes..

Here they are:

1. Roscoe

2. Domingo

3. Paco

4. Pinkie

5. Mr. Pink

6. Mango

7. Steve

8. Mingo

9. Mr. Mandingo

10. Swabby

I should say that #9~ Mr. Mandingo had 3 votes before voting even began..... Monk, Hot Lips (who submitted it) and Buddha Girl...oh, and Sweet Man just told me that he likes Mr. Mandingo too.

If anybody gives a crap, I''ll leave voting open until Wednesday, April 5th at midnight.

Ohhhh....didn't that sound all official?

Well, maybe not the "give a crap" part, but y'all know what I mean.

Oh.

Hot Lips?

No prize if your suggestion wins.

Naming him is prize enough, right?