Funerals
My question to y'all is this: do you go to funerals with your spouse or significant other?
Sweet Man and I had an argument tonight because I always attend funerals and visitations alone or with friends. He never goes with me. He always knows the family of the deceased, but he still doesn't go. This bothers me and we argue about it, but he still never goes.
Mercedes is one of my closest friends and I will be there for her.
I went to the visitation today with Weeza and Crystal.
I'll be going to the funeral tomorrow.
Alone.
I hate to fuel the fire, but YOU HAVE TO Go. Besides, never-mind. Not my beeswax. Sorry to hear the news, and kudos for posting a sick photo to accompany the post. I wouldn't even be that macabre.
ReplyDeleteWell of course I HAVE TO GO.
ReplyDeleteI want to go. She's my friend.
I didn't ask anyone to pick sides...I just want to know how other people handle these situations.
...you didn't answer the question.
...and that picture doesn't even come close to macabre.
The last time I went to one of those was in 1976.
ReplyDeleteThe next one will be mine even though most of my friends have gone already.
:(
He should be going with you. It is that simple.
ReplyDeleteTell him to pull his head out of his ass, put his big boy pants on and be the MAN beside you.
He should be the leader of the household that is paying respect to this family.....
xoxo,
Bug
I think he should go... Me and big A go to funerals together. I think it's important.
ReplyDeleteI have to side with hubby on this one. I hate funerals. I don't usually go unless it is a direct family member of either myself or my husband. If, say, the father of one of his friends died I probably would not attend that funeral.
ReplyDeleteI'm a horrible person, but at least I don't put hats on dogs ;)
"YOU" meant all "other halves" of the couple. I didn't literally mean you. Sorry for the confusion. In this instance, I meant "he" has to go. Since I suck at the whole relationship thing maybe you better listen to someone else. I couldn't imagine not going, and in the past I have always wanted to go. They freak me out, and I get super emotional (even if I never met the person), but I have always wanted to go merely to be supportive for the one I love. That said, I hope I never have to go to another. They really fuck me up, but love isn't about worrying about me.
ReplyDeleteI've never been to a funeral before. But if I did I'd most likely go alone just in case I started to cry.
ReplyDeleteYou know I love you, ma, but he doesn't have to go.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, he doesn't have to.
I wouldn't expect BD to take off work to go to his girlfriend's friend's mother's funeral.
Put his name on the flowers and be happy you have Weeza and Crystal.
If it was your mother, of course. Your friend's mother, not so much. You've gotta pick your battles and this isn't one of them.
There, the tribe has spoken.
How about this? He goes with you to the visitation, but doesn't have to attend the funeral. That's the way things work at our house. Of course, all that changes if it's a family member. Then we both attend all visitations and the funeral.
ReplyDeleteI hope all is well with your friend.
He should go and be there for you. It might be a case of him fearing death and not wanting to be reminded of his own mortality. Or he may just be a selfish bastard who wants to watch Monday Night Football. Either way, he needs to go.
ReplyDeletei intend to be all over the map on this one
ReplyDeletefirst, if he doesn't want to go to a funeral he doesn't have to - ever. especially if it is a death thing that bothers him.
that being said, if you want him to go, unless there is some really good reason not to go, he should go because you want him to go.
if it is just a convenience thing - well, then he's being schmuck
the obligation to go to a funeral increases with closeness. it is my reading that mercedes is very close to you.
so he should go
even if he doesn't *have to*...
if this was the mother of a co-worker he really didn't know, then he is under little or no obligation to go even if you want him to
close friend - yeah he should probably go...
but, the only *have to* funerals are for your close family (nuclear family, grandparents, close uncles, aunts and cousins)
----
i attend funerals. if i am honoured enough to have eaten at someone's house, or to have shared meals with them, or have worked on projects together then i attend to show respect
i'm a bit of a stickler for respect
i once ditched an invitation to attend a banquet for/with Prince Charles to attend the funeral of a family friend. not a close friend, but she and her husband were my insurance brokers and when i was in university they had extended me credit for a long time because i was broke.
honour. respect. obligation.
you bury your dead.
----
that's my three cents
I just got back from a funeral. I think you need someone to go with you.
ReplyDeleteNW Guy always goes with me. Funerals weird me out. Mostly because they are so damn uncomfortable. It seems easier with him there for some reason...
ReplyDeleteI saw my Grandmother dying and ever since I have avoided anything to do with death. I cried for days and she wasn't even gone yet. I wouldn't make hubby go unless it was someone in the immediate family or immediate circle of friends. And that would be for support. A visitation/viewing I would ask nicely for his attendance. As someone else said at least you have your girls to go with you and sometimes us girls are better than the man. Good luck in your quest and deepest sympathies.
ReplyDeleteDepending on how close I am, I might go to a funeral with my wife. When I do it's for mutual friends or family. My wife didn't go to my grandmother's funeral, but it was 300 miles away and there was no one to watch the kids. Probably all the better.
ReplyDelete~Jef
tl: I hear ya and I understand.
ReplyDeletemellissa: Well, that's what I think...especially since Mercedes and I are so close....
little p: me too....
Nonny: you are not a horrible person~even though you're not a dog person. ;-)
The thing is~Sweet Man doesn't have a good reason for not going. He just never does....
rat: thanks for the explanation. This makes so much more sense to me.
:)
orhan: You've been lucky.
hotlipz: I understand your position too. And some of the time I understand his not going with me. But when I want him to go~I think he should go. To support me...I'd do it for him.
kc: A compromise would be fine with me. It just hasn't happened. I always go alone. My friend isn't doing well at all. She was so devasted this morning at the funeral.....
paul b: he's not a selfish person at all. I think he just doesn't think sometimes....this was one of those times....
cadbury: Thanks for playing devil's advocate. I agree completely with your third paragraph. Thank you.
samantha: I'm sorry to hear you've been at a funeral too. I agree. You need someone to go with you.
Nowhere girl: Funerals don't normally weird me out. I'd just like for him to be there for me sometimes.
bid: One of the main reasons Sweet Man has never gone with me is b/c I've never MADE him go. I won't do that.
I was lucky to have friends who were going too....so we could go together.
jef: Having to travel for a funeral falls into an entirely different category. As does having small children to consider.... :)
ReplyDeletethere was a baby in attendance today and her parents kept having to leave the service b/c of her crying.
thanks for stopping by Hell. :)
I think I'd give him a pass, just becuase a funeral isn't soemthing someone should be dragged to. If he wanted to do the right thing he'd go, but if he doesn't want to go, arguing him into going will just make it even more emotional.
ReplyDeletewell, this is easy for me...i have had about 7 dear friends die in the last year if not more..i went to 3 viewings..and no funerals..i dont do funerals...eveyone knows i dont do funerals..they freak me out..i have been wacko about funerals since my daddy died in 82 and tried to get him to get out of the coffin and come home with me..i sorta lost it...so everyone knows me..knows i have this thing about funerals..my good friend patsy's husband died, who was also a good friend..i went to the viewing.hugged her and told her i loved her and was there for her...looked at david..said yup, he's dead alright and left...patsy laughed her ass off...but she knew that me going to the funeral was not going to happen...so even though it may mean something to you and you want him to be understanding and go with you...maybe it is just to hard for him to go..so think of how he would feel if you guilted him into going and he felt awful? some people just dont handle funerals and deaths well and should be taken into consideration...hell..they are going to have to drag me all the way to the cemetary to get me to go when I die..and trust me..ill be kicking and screaming..
ReplyDeleteYes, your husband should go with you to the wake and the funeral. In my opinion there should be no question. If anything, he should go because a) he's your husband b)this is the mother of a very good and I'll assume long term friend and c) it's the right thing to do.
ReplyDeleteMy ex didn't attend my grandmother's funeral with me and it served to be a bone of contention for a long long time.
ReplyDeleteSelfish Main Man! JK
Hey Pissy...
Love your new haircut...oh and you make a cameo in my new Flash on Wednesday.
I'm wondering why Sweet man doesn't want to go. Does he hate funerals or just feel uncomfortable at them?
ReplyDeleteGive him a break and lean on the shoulders of your friends if you can.
I'm sorry for your friend's loss. I'm never good at making profound statements in these situations.
ReplyDeleteRe. the question, I'd love to answer the question ... but I don't have the spouse or S.O. to do so.
:-(
But it isn't about me!
That reminds me of what Alice Roosevelt, daughter of Pres. Teddy Roosevelt, said of her dad:
My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding, and the baby at every christening.
Oh, yes, it was very, very nice talking to you on Friday night on the phone. I enjoyed our conversation.
Uh oh, the ugly head of Sweet Man rears up! I knew there had to be SOMETHING wrong with him! He's too perfect.
ReplyDeleteYour spouse should be there for you at all weddings/funerals/graduations, etc. anything where family support and love is needed/wanted.
I think that it would be nice if SM went with you because you can use the support. When your friend breaks down, that will be hard on you. You will want someone there who can hug you too, when all is said and done.
I don't want to take sides here, but I have to. *L*
He's wrong. You're right. *giggling*
And um, watch your mailbox this week! IM SO EXCITED I FINALLY GOT YOU WHAT I WAS WAITING TO GET YOU!!!!
You're gonnnnnnaaaaa love it.
CP.
I think he should definitely go, especially if he knew the family.
ReplyDeleteNo one *likes* going to funerals. But we all get over the discomfort in order to show people we care.
Tough topic here, Pissy.
ReplyDeleteHG HATES funerals and the like. Until I read your post, I just rolled with the punches and accepted my lot in life as an 'alone' funeral attendee.
I will even admit that although he supported me when my Dad died, he left soon after the burial. I'd like to say that he 'should have sucked it up,' but if he couldn't handle it, he couldn't handle it.
Somehow, I knew that I would have wasted more energy on making him more comfortable than on making myself calmer.
I hope Sweet Man can find it in himself to come along if you ask again. If not, as silly as it sounds, I understand.
Funerals, death, and the like bring out the 'weirdo' response in some people.
I would feel the same way as you. I would expect my husband to go with me no arguement or questions about it. We have yet had the situation come up. But when it does I will just assume he would attend.
ReplyDeleteShoot! I clicked before I was done!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear of her passing. It is always so hard for us. But I try to comfort myself by thinking our loved one is in a happy place wondering what we are all crying about!
I would say yes I would go with my girlfriend, and if we were married and the person who passed I would expect my spouse to go, and I would go with them.
ReplyDeleteI DID go to funerals with my significant other, although I really have to psyche myself up to go. It's not that I don't WANT to, I just don't handle death very well. Perhaps that's the way with Sweet Man.
ReplyDeleteLastly, it is very important to go to the funerals for deaths you may have been involved with so as to not draw any extra attention from the police.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone, for sharing with me your views/opinions/advice on funeral attendance. It has given me a lot to think about...as well as ammunition to use the next time a funeral situation comes up (kidding!).
ReplyDeleteI must say again, I've never forced or argued Sweet Man into going to a funeral or visitation with me. Never.
I wouldn't do that.
I really just wanted to know what everyone thought about funeral attendance and how they and their spouse/s.o. handled it.
Thanks again! :)
well Pissy you know I am divorced, but believe it or not that reason contributed to it....he never wanted to do anything I wanted to do that was socializing.....so I did it alone or with friends....after a while I realized...I had more fun with my friends than I did with him! One New Years Eve I was getting dressed and he said "are we going out?'..I said " no I am going out with my friends" I had a ball..didnt get in till 3 am, he was furious. They arent so cheery when the shoe is on the other foot.....speakin of feet, I bought 2 new pair of the cutest shoes today...lol
ReplyDelete