Thank god I only do this 3 days a month....

DNA testing is never dull.

Today's testing was as hectic and fraught with confusion and bullshit as ever.

So I'm tired and will only share with y'all what I consider to be the top three moments in collecting today.

They are as follows:

1. The "AF" (child support speak for "alleged father") who only had two bottom teeth.

That's right.

Two.

And he appears to be on the verge of losing those two.

2. The Mexican AF who only had two fingers on his right hand.

The case worker came in while he was there and kind of hung around....which was odd. She just kinda kept looking at him....

After he left, she said she'd had the hardest time locating this AF.....for two years this case worker had been calling all the painting contractors around our area to ask if any of them had "a one armed Mexican painter" working for them.

Yeah. The baby's mama described him to the case worker as "a one-armed Mexican who paints houses for a living."

Ummmmm.....he still has both arms, you stupid whore!

It's fingers that he's missing!

Jeez!

Take notes next time.

3. Ah....this one was probably my favorite.....

This AF just got out of prison.

Hard time at Fountain Correctional Facility.

He, the mother and the child were scheduled to come in last month.

At different times of the day.

The reason for this is because this AF was ESPECIALLY insistent that he, the mother and the child all be tested at the same time. He wanted to be in the room with them. He was INSISTENT!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

This AF wants to hurt somebody....probably the mother. So we schedule them at different times. None of them showed up last month.

Today the mother and child came at 10:45.

The AF showed up an hour later.....and according to the receptionist~was LIVID that the mother and child had already come and gone.

I wasn't letting this crazy, pissed off ex-con come in to the small room where I test....they don't pay me enough to do deal with pissed off ex-cons.

So the case worker, the director of the DHR and I went to the lobby to talk with this guy....to explain that all parties don't have to be tested at the same time....that's not unusual....not a big deal....we can test him alone....etc.

Uh no. This guy wasn't having it and tried to intimidate the case worker...saying she'd" lied to him " and "promised him they'd all be tested to together"...the way he'd "insisted"....the way he "told her he wanted it to be."

Ummmmm....Dude? Maybe you got to tell your prison bitches "how it was gonna be"....but that shit doesn't fly out here in the "real " world.

You don't get to insist shit! You don't get to tell us how "you want it to be". WE tell you or we see you in court.

Which is what I told him in my "Jack Ingram Volkswagon" tone of voice.

So we'll be seeing him in court next month.

Where I will test him surrounded by sheriff's deputies with guns.

Yeah.

Insist on THAT, bitch!