Vanity, thy name is Night Guard

If you've read any of my previous posts or my profiled interests, you've probably picked up on the fact that it's all about ME! This bitch cares how she looks! I love clothes, shoes ( can you ever really have too many?), make-up, jewelry all manner of girly things.

This picture of me in one of my favorite t-shirts pretty much says it all.

Then there are what we slightly chubby vain bitches care about the most: the visible protein ends: hair, teeth, and nails. Because we all know that no matter if we're dressing from the fat side of the closet or the thin side -our hair, teeth and nails never get fat, never over-eat on the weekend and can always look good, damn it!

Knowing this, you can imagine my despair when I chipped one of my front teeth! On a Friday! Of a three-day weekend! IEEEEEEE!!!!! It was my worst nightmare!!! Of course I frantically phoned my dentist. Of course he'd closed early for the long weekend. I even called him at home. (Don't be shocked-you know how small this town is. We'd car-pooled together when Little Pissy and his oldest were in 6th grade.) I left frantic messages at both places begging him to CALL ME!!! Tooth emergency here!!! Of course he didn't called me back. Ass.

O.K. Nothing I can do until Tuesday. So I tried to see an "upside". Should anyone be casting for an all-Latino remake of "deliverance" this weekend, I was a shoo-in. I came with my own "Bubba teeth". Although I guess in this version, it would be "Jose teeth". Anyway, my character would be named "Lupita". My husband would be played by Edward James Olmos. I'd considered George Lopez, but then I thought, nah, his head's too big....it might detract from my teeth (its all about ME, remember?). As you can see, I put a lot of thought into this during my "weekend of shame".

By late Saturday afternoon I was getting tired of looking at my tooth in the mirror and trying to convince myself that it really didn't look that bad. It did. I decided to venture out anyway. What the hell, I thought. Everybody (including my effing dentist, apparently) would be out of town for the weekend. So, like a dumb ass, I went to Wal-Mart. YES, OF COURSE I SAW EVERYONE I KNEW!!! The new Judge and his wife, my hair guy and his wife, my mechanic...you name 'em -they were in town and at Wal-Mart that day. They tried to be polite and not stare. They all said, "Oh, Pissy...it doesn't look that bad". Liars! I saw the flicker of pity and revulsion in their eyes before they turned away!!!!

Sunday I decided to go to the pool, sulk and work on my tan. Shit, everybody had seen me by now anyway. My best bud, Suzy Q had been listening to me bitch about "the tooth" for two days now. When she got to the pool, she'd brought me a "prize" ("surprise" in other parts of the country :) ). In this case, a pity "prize". One of the many reasons why she's my best friend is because she's just like me in the vain department. If anyone could feel my pain, she could.

My "prize" consisted of a new insulated cooler stocked with my favorite Summer beverage: Diet SunKist Orange soda. Suzy had also included some twirly cheese sticks and some M&Ms...you know ...sweet and salty. So there we were, floating on our rafts in the pool all day while I drowned my sorrows in orange soda and Suzy drank Coronas in support.

Needless to say, first thing Tuesday morning my ass was at the dentist's office. Dentist's wife is the receptionist. She says, "Oh, Pissy, this must have been so hard for you....you smile so much!" Uh, yeah....cuz I'm not a mirthless bitch?

After a half-hour or so of sanding, filling, bonding, more sanding and filling I looked like myself again. That was when the dentist said I must be grinding my teeth at night. He'd meant to mention it to me before. Would I like to be fitted for a night guard? It should prevent this from happening again. Are you kidding? Do you even have to ASK?!?!? Fit me now!!!

That's the tale of how I ended up a vain, slightly chubby (but with great hair and nails) bitch who wears a night guard Gotta keep those visible protein ends looking good!